The curse (and blessing) of expecting more


After I wrote my last post, I have listened to Cornfield Chase a few more times. For quick access, the song is in the following video. This one, a live version.

Over the years, I find that I’m drawn to music that brings out a deep emotion in me. Often times there are no lyrics, but that is not the overarching similarity in the music I am drawn to. What is similar is a slow constant tone in the background with a melody of sorts on top of that tone.

For someone who knows nothing about the science of music, that is the best I can do to describe it.

Nonetheless, a couple hours after writing my last post, my wife and kids arrived from a day trip with friends. My wife left the 1-year-old with me briefly as she and my older children went back out to the car to get their belongings.

After a couple minutes of holding my 1-year-old daughter and walking around as her restless self laid her head on my shoulder and relaxed to the point where I thought she might have dozed off to sleep. I slowly walked back to my desk and played the song from my last post, with her still in my arms.

It really brought out the encapsulating emotion in me. This, holding my daughter, is the things in life that we all too often take for granted. As my oldest daughter came back in and stood to my side, I reached and brought her in to the embrace that my youngest and I were already enjoying.

It was all over with the quick jolt up of my 1-year-old. But the moment had already cemented itself into my memory. Something that I hope to never lose a grasp of.

It may seem like nothing, but there is an underpinning, deeper emotion that is causing this for me. A feeling of a greater purpose. One that I feel I have failed up to now. To be a better father and so much more. To provide a better life to those I hold dearest.

I suppose it is a good thing to have a desire to achieve something bigger and better. But if you are not seeing the results, it can really be mind-bending. To top it off, when you are your own worst critic, it can be devastating.

To those that I hold dearest: I am trying and I will succeed. Even if it means changing everything to reach that vision I have for me and my family.